Two days ago, I hung out with some new people, people I most likely would’ve hung out with freshmen year, but I acted like it was my junior year by the way I kept smoking down. I had already promised God I wouldn’t, but fell into that trap again. The last time, he had told me that my purpose in life would be to talk to the people in my generation how weed is a medium for evil. I felt that again two days ago. It was the worst feeling. In the midst of all the emptiness and nothingness I felt inside, I felt this hype, a hype that everyone else under the same conditions felt: a passion.
My friend had made me watch this trippy video on a so called Tomorrowland event. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed something so demonic and evident at the same time. At this worldwide gathered event, there was easily over 10,000 people all most likely on drugs and all hyped. But for what? Yes there was a so called “great” DJ and light display-the psychedelics. Yet the people I was with insisted that this was the one event in their life they wanted to attend, but unfortunately sold out in a minute. I thought to myself: are you psycho? Clearly they must have been brainwashed. They all must be brainwashed. Yet they had the passion. A passion I was dying for. Why, in the church, can’t we have this passion?
My friends continued to show me tremendously talented dance videos while under the influence. Again, passion showed to be a common, underlying theme. Passion to do the best, do the most, to be the craziest out of love.
The next day, I still felt the haze of yesterday. Trapped in societal norms, I felt nonexistent. My consciousness of reality and illusion was blurred. Going through the motions, I question what to live for. I ask, why am I so…depressed? All I ever wanted to do nowadays was sleep, hoping that maybe I’ll find hope curled up in a ball under my sheets.
One more day passed, the time of day came to a class that I had previously appreciated, but had come to loathe: dance. I don’t know why I stopped liking it. The only reason I took that class was because I enjoyed dance. But then again, perhaps doing the same routines over and over chased passion out of the class. Anxiety snuck up on me (just like in class sometimes) where I just don’t want to perform in front of people. My self consciousness gets a hold of me and I start to take importance of what people think of me and if they will judge me, and that forces to hold back. But today, I didn’t. I danced with all I got. Because I had nothing to lose. And because I wanted that passion.
All these feelings throughout the week had led me to worship quite freely at church that night-much more freely than I had in such a long time. And it felt great. Why do we have a greater passion for things that won’t matter in the end? I want to be crazy for Christ, and I don’t want to care about what people think. Pastor Escamilla referred to Paul after he asked God to take the cup from him. But God replies, “No, because in your weakness, my grace is sufficient.” I never have to make myself perfect or try to get “better”. I am strong because He is strong in me. I just need to live in His grace. His grace, His love, His joy, His passion. This past week, Tim Dilena and Matthew West spoke the same thing to me. People in the world are suffering just as I am. They ask God, where are you? But that is our purpose in this world. To help those people. Because if we don’t step up, who will?