Divine Appointments

Two days ago, I hung out with some new people, people I most likely would’ve hung out with freshmen year, but I acted like it was my junior year by the way I kept smoking down. I had already promised God I wouldn’t, but fell into that trap again. The last time, he had told me that my purpose in life would be to talk to the people in my generation how weed is a medium for evil. I felt that again two days ago. It was the worst feeling. In the midst of all the emptiness and nothingness I felt inside, I felt this hype, a hype that everyone else under the same conditions felt: a passion.

My friend had made me watch this trippy video on a so called Tomorrowland event. I don’t think I’ve ever witnessed something so demonic and evident at the same time. At this worldwide gathered event, there was easily over 10,000 people all most likely on drugs and all hyped. But for what? Yes there was a so called “great” DJ and light display-the psychedelics. Yet the people I was with insisted that this was the one event in their life they wanted to attend, but unfortunately sold out in a minute. I thought to myself: are you psycho? Clearly they must have been brainwashed. They all must be brainwashed. Yet they had the passion. A passion I was dying for. Why, in the church, can’t we have this passion?

My friends continued to show me tremendously talented dance videos while under the influence. Again, passion showed to be a common, underlying theme. Passion to do the best, do the most, to be the craziest out of love.

The next day, I still felt the haze of yesterday. Trapped in societal norms, I felt nonexistent. My consciousness of reality and illusion was blurred. Going through the motions, I question what to live for. I ask, why am I so…depressed? All I ever wanted to do nowadays was sleep, hoping that maybe I’ll find hope curled up in a ball under my sheets.

One more day passed, the time of day came to a class that I had previously appreciated, but had come to loathe: dance. I don’t know why I stopped liking it. The only reason I took that class was because I enjoyed dance. But then again, perhaps doing the same routines over and over chased passion out of the class. Anxiety snuck up on me (just like in class sometimes) where I just don’t want to perform in front of people. My self consciousness gets a hold of me and I start to take importance of what people think of me and if they will judge me, and that forces to hold back. But today, I didn’t. I danced with all I got. Because I had nothing to lose. And because I wanted that passion.

All these feelings throughout the week had led me to worship quite freely at church that night-much more freely than I had in such a long time. And it felt great. Why do we have a greater passion for things that won’t matter in the end? I want to be crazy for Christ, and I don’t want to care about what people think. Pastor Escamilla referred to Paul after he asked God to take the cup from him. But God replies, “No, because in your weakness, my grace is sufficient.” I never have to make myself perfect or try to get “better”. I am strong because He is strong in me. I just need to live in His grace. His grace, His love, His joy, His passion. This past week, Tim Dilena and Matthew West spoke the same thing to me. People in the world are suffering just as I am. They ask God, where are you? But that is our purpose in this world. To help those people. Because if we don’t step up, who will?

Don’t define success by past glories and validate who you are like Naomi. Be open to this transition in life. The past life was good and gone, but the best is yet to come. The best of who you are is yet to come.

-A Truly Happy New Year

Sitting in the usual wednesday night service and-lets be honest-I wasn’t paying attention because the whole christmas story thing gets kinda old. My eyes wandered. My mind wandered. I noticed how many empty seats there were in the place. I looked to familiar faces, new faces. I realized there werent that many people my age in that place. I flashback to freshman year, the high school thing was new and exciting to us. The hype propelled us. I see Faith, Ashley, Paulette, Me, Nicole, the other Faith-the girls-all sitting together, youthful and carefree. I return to the present. Just me and Paulette sitting there, alone. 

We all left for different reasons. We all had different stories. But look at the remnant. It’s most likely that we all grew up with the same christian childhood. Yes, you see a lot of new faces, but thats only because theyre younger and we dont recognize those faces. There arent new people that pop up a lot. We dont bring people to church. Yet, even growing up in the same way, we dont have the unity the body of christ is supposed to have. Theres a gap between us. Selfishness and judgement separates from being ok with one another. Same with hatred and resentment and unforgiveness. And a touch of sorrow and going through the motions in which fellowship doesnt mean much anymore. 

Why are we still here out of the others? I feel like theres destiny in it. That were chosen I guess..I think maybe others left because they didnt have leaders tell them that this is the place to be. Growing up in this, I guess we have a bond with this norm of church and deep in our hearts know that we belong. 

I still see the place crowded with younger kids. I see the older we get, the more we drop like flies, the more we question instead of faithfully believing. I dont want that to happen. So maybe we need to be the leaders where there were none existent in the lives of others.